Lessons, musings and advice from the author of ‘The Life I Won’
Let’s talk about that thing nobody talks about…
No, I don’t mean money, religion, or politics!
I want to talk about jealousy and envy, the ‘green monster’.
There are very few people who would openly admit to being jealous of somebody, especially in business.
I have spoken to so many women who feel defeated by envy & jealousy when they are just starting out and it can be the very reason that they don’t experience success. It is holding them back in a big way.
You never need to look very hard to find someone who has done what you are doing and seemingly done it better. They are earning more money, have a nicer house, they are skinnier than you, they have a gorgeous partner, big flash car and apparently are winning at life. To make it even worse they make it look effortless.
These people will always be there, so why seek them out and then make yourself feel bad about it?
Looking at the achiever and feeling inspired in a positive way can be good for your business. It shows you the possibility of what you could achieve. Viewing the successful person as a role model, a motivator can be a great way to keep you on track with your goals.
When you look at the achiever with jealousy or envy for what they have it is because it brings all your own fears and insecurities to the surface.
Let’s look at ways to help you deal with these feelings when they show up.
Usually we see the successful person at the end of their journey of growth, what we don’t see are the sacrifices they made, the long hours they worked, the relationships that may have suffered. They will have paid a price for their success, all achievers do, but this is not what most of us see on the surface.
It is far healthier to learn from successful people than to allow envy or jealousy to control you. Many people who are successful are happy to share their secrets with you if you ask. Even just watching what they do, how often they show up, how they show up can be enlightening. Nothing happens unless you make it happen, so your job is to learn how to do that.
If you feel that twinge of envy or jealousy stop and ask yourself what is at the root of it. Then take the steps to change what you don’t like about it. You see another business owner, who does what you do, have an amazing launch and make a ton of money. This makes you feel jealous because your last launch was a flop. Instead of allowing those feelings to take over, analyse how they managed to have a successful launch. What did they do that you didn’t? How can you implement that next time?
Jealousy is an extremely strong and complicated emotion, and you will not feel great when you are in it. Instead of allowing it to grip you and hold you back, why not look at it as a source of important information. According to Swenson, jealousy is the difference between what you have and what you want. She also says that unchecked it can turn into self-blame and drag you down into a negative cycle. Once you have the information from the emotion you can create a different set of circumstances in which your needs are met in a better way.
Making a comparison between your failure and someone else’s success is an idealised version of reality. People usually only show the ‘best’ version of themselves and their lives to the world, not the darker side, so how can you make comparisons?
Stay in your own lane and focus on your goals.
When jealousy shows up and taps you on the shoulder, your self-worth can take a real beating. Remember that someone is always looking at you and wishing they had what you have, yet you may feel like you have nothing of value. Take a few moments to consider or journal on these points:
1. What do you do well?
2. What would you say to a friend who was feeling this way? Now treat yourself with the same compassion.
3. Create some positive daily affirmations.
4. What are the things you value in your closest relationships?
5. How much time do you spend doing the things you love?
Practice in the moment coping strategies. This will help you to identify patterns and causes. Moving yourself mindfully away from the negative feeling of jealousy will help to keep you from acting on those feelings.
1. Write down how you are feeling and what you were doing when the feelings showed up.
2. Go out for a walk in nature.
3. Give yourself space from the situation that triggered the feelings.
4. Take 10 minutes to do something calming like a meditation or listen to an audio book.
5. Speak to a trusted friend and share how you feel.
Jealousy does not need to control you; you can always take the power back. The first step is to be open to admitting you suffer from these feelings and bring them to the surface. Only by accepting our insecurities can we create a plan to move us forward.
We all experience jealousy at some point in our lives. When you are a business owner, it’s a lonely world at times and the loneliness alone can trigger feelings of envy and see you talking yourself down.
You are NOT alone and there are people who are waiting to help. I am one of them.